confession of a fan
My
sight blurs as lines of water hit my eyes as soon as I tilt my head upwards,
obviously shows that it’s raining cats and dogs here. My legs themselves move
directly into my room which takes 30 seconds if you tend to jay-walk to reach
my room. Believe it or not, it’s real. Plus, it fits my mood perfectly today.
Gloomy and cloudy, yes perfectly perfect. The word LJOE briefly comes into my
mind. I had no idea why it happens tho. It has been bothering my mind a lot
that I have almost thought of killing myself in my dream. What’s so special
about him heh that makes me can’t stop thinking about him? I eat, I sit, I
sleep, I listen, I write but everything is ruined by the figure of him that comes
to mind every time I do everything. I almost give up doing everything. I
thought I have gone crazy.
Yes.
He’s handsome but please there are more men that’s more handsome than him but
why him? Why? Why did my mind choose him over hundreds thousands men out there?
I’m perplexed. I don’t know why but my heart will forever choose him. You know
what? I tried to ignore his presence once but hell I failed. I terribly failed.
Let me tell you; Kim Jongdae, Kim Sunggyu, Lee Dongwook, Ken, Jimin, Lee
Seyong, Jung Daehyun, Peniel, Baro, Zico, Ahn Daniel , Kim Jonghyun, Lee
Minhyuk and more. I failed. That’s profusely odd, seriously. What is it that
Ljoe have to make me so into him?
To
tell you more, he is short. He is skinny. He is stupid. He is arrogant. He is far
from good but simultaneously he is great. See? I have told myself, whenever I
tend to bad-mouth him, I would end up boasting him off instead. Seriously, what
happened to me? Where’s the old me, the one that will never get attach to man?
After
what seems like eternity, I manage to find the answers to all questions that I
had in my mind. I find out that; the stupid acts that he shows all this time is
the thing that I love about him. His dorkiness amazes me. Especially, his love
towards his fans; angels. There was once Chunji said, “Aigoo Korean angels, I
love you so much.” But then, Ljoe interrupted. “Yah stupid. It’s not just
Korean angels; it’s for all angels all around the world pabo.” Chunji seemed
startled. I guess, he felt guilty? “Ah yeah, angels all around the world,
saranghae!” Ljoe’s lips curved upwards showed that he was satisfied with
chunji’s answer. “Yeah, we love you angels!” Ljoe screamed.
What else that could be asked more if the
person that you love, return your feelings even though it’s not the same love
what other couple have. But, what’s the purpose of going to fan meets,
concerts, live show and buying their album if I’m conscious that I would end up
being treated as a shabby glass. Shiny in the inside but shabby at the outside.
What’s the point of that? I’m perplexed, for about nth times. I’m always
perplexed. Should I just give up showing my love towards him and toss it right
into a drain? Who knows? Someone with big-hearted might catch it. Hmm, my
delusional imagines, again. I have been tired with all of this. Let me
emphasize it again, I’m fucking terribly freakishly exhausted ofwaiting. I know
I’m selfish but what can I do? I just love him too much that I had once thought
I would never be so successful in going through all of those hard times that
I’ve been facing since I was such a plump, cute, fragile baby if the presence
of his isn’t there from the start. Ironic, isn’t it? Well, listening to Kyo by 서른 번쯤, I just felt more
weird. You know what? Since I was in
standard 6, I admired My Girl a lot. It’s a drama though. Seeing how Gongchan
works hard to win Yoo Rin’s heart makes butterflies in my stomach go wilder.
How determined he is to win the girl that he loved with all his heart even
though he knows that his grandfather that he respects the most wouldn’t approve
of their relationship. I guess, the grandfather hurts so much after knowing
that he is lied by a stranger that suddenly comes to his life and poof,
claiming that she’s his granddaughter. It must have hurted him a lot to be
betrayed. Together going through all of the obstacles make them grow closer,
especially Gongchan and Yoorin. Well, there’s something that I have learned
from the drama though; when you were to lie, ignore what’s the real and keep on
going till you get what you want even though it hurts. Wow, that just smacked
me right on my forehead. To be honest, how can you lie about love? Loving
someone might be wonderful but inside, it could be dangerous too. To feel how
your heart flutters when you see someone? Isn’t that dangerous? How someone
could make you change so drastically? Well, to me it’s dangerous…………yet
wonderful.
And that’s what I have seen in Ljoe,
Lee Byunghun. Being the first to know his existence in my school, I feel sort
of relieve. Please, I don’t think I could live to the fullest if there is
someone who knows him first introduce him to me. That would be so
disappointing. To know someone wonderful, someone loyal, someone kind, someone
dork, someone awesome, someone amazing, someone handsome, someone pretty,
someone cute, someone does angst and someone everything that is worth to fight
for.
Someone says, “Hey, face the reality
even though it hurts.” I know. I knew it from the started that I would be this
broken-hearted over this guy. Age difference? Well, you might as well add that,
haters. But, look. Love has no age. It’s still valid for a guy in 54 age to
marry a woman in 25 age. What to brag all about? Its love we’re talking about
here. What to fuss all about? Country
difference? Have you ever heard of miles love?
Have you? I guess you haven’t. And no matter how old I get, no matter
how miles I get to meet him, he will always be my favorite.
I love my friends to death but none of
them are into kpop the way I am. I’ve never met anyone who is; expect the fans
whom I met on fan pages. If so many people can be as obsessive as I am, it
gives me a lot of hope that one day I will find an amazing friend who can
obsess with me. That would be wonderful. And not just sit there and have no clue
what I’m talking about when I tell them about ljoe’s dorkiness or just call me
silly whenever I cry every time I see how ljoe works hard to get his fans love,
to be successful . I can’t wait to meet a friend who will understand.
To be frank, I actually have those
types of friend in my school. It’s just that… they piss me of. They always try
to cut me off whenever I want to talk about the person I love which is ljoe
then I had to make my ears all available for them to boast about their bias.
Their fucking bias. However, I manage to form a fake smile and they had taken
in by all my lies. Plus, when I’m in the urge to show them my albums that I
have bought, why can’t they be more careful? Look, I don’t even make a scratch,
stain or more specifically, dust. I take care of them but then, poof. Once I
show them the albums, they make fun of it. As if I was joking about the fact
that I take care of the albums as if it’s a baby. Who wouldn’t? My penny was all gone whenever
I buy those albums. At least, show some respect and take care of the albums
just like how the way I take care of them.
That would make me scream in delight even the slightest bit. Well,
taking care of their feelings well, I shrug it all off. Some would just tell me
just to keep my mouth shut to hear all of their stories. To be more frank, I’m
hurt. Terribly hurt.
Not to forget about haters too. Saying
how delusional we are to imagine our loved get married to us. Well, is it
really that wrong to fake our sadness; as we all perceive that our bias
wouldn’t get married to us, even them knowing us is such a hard dream for us to
achieve. Hahahahahaha. That’s profusely hilarious, seriously.
Let me pen off here. I’m tired of
loving, I’m tired of faking, I’m tired of hiding and mostly, I’m tired with
everything.
Frankly,
The
most unlucky,
OLD | NEW
